Memo To All Agritech Staff RE: Impending Wikileaks Document “Dump”


Team,

I’m sure many of you have been following with interest the series of leaks of diplomatic cables from the US government. It’s a compelling story. You may have noted the interview with Julian Assange where he made reference to having material from private corporations that he would be releasing as well.

It has come to our attention that an upcoming release of documents is likely to contain private emails from within this company, dated from 18 January 2009 to 15 September 2010. Our information suggests that these emails will be a drop in a bucket of hundreds of thousands of messages from of a number of corporations, so we do not expect significant press attention to fall on our company.

However, it would be naive to presume that there will be no curiosity about the contents of these emails from within the Agritech family. While we do not encourage you to peruse them, we know that some of you will, so the management team felt that it would be in everyone’s best interest if we addressed some potential issues directly.

First, as a general note, it is worth saying that running a company like Agritech in such a dynamic and challenging industry requires that your management team communicate as quickly and effectively as possible. This may mean that we use frank and sometimes colourful language in our discussions. We ask that you consider each message in the most positive light.

Sometimes we will dash off a quick thought which may use words that we might not use with more time and consideration. Needless to say, Mr Thompkins does not in fact regard (former) project manager Nicole Stevens as a “blithering bimbo who couldn’t fasten her own bra”. We, of course, wish Nicole all the best in her future endeavours.

Our work also requires that we float a number of ideas in brainstorming sessions that will never see the light of day, nor that would ever have had a chance to see the light of day. It is important to put such brainstorming sessions in the larger context of the very high regard in which we hold each and every one of you, as members of the Agritech family.

Beyond that general note, there are a few specifics that we’d like to address.

  • The exchange beginning on 12 August 2010 which appears to be about the discovery by Ms Gupta that Mr Whitner has gutted the employee pension fund was part of a disaster preparedness role-playing exercise mandated by the SEC. You’ll be pleased to learn that we passed with flying colours!
  • Mr Thompkins likes to use the code name “Janice” when discussion romantic plans regarding his wife Cindy. It is an unfortunate coincidence that this code name matches that of Janice in accounting.
  • The email thread from 9 October 2009 where we appear to be discussing terminating the entire Quality Assurance department and using that budget to fund a program of industrial espionage was part of an executive practice of holding “opposite day” discussions to help limber up our minds. Quality has always been goal number one here at Agritech and it will continue to be.
  • You may note frequent references to an Omega Shadow research team. This is not a real program, but a cultural reference to a favourite childhood show of Mr Thomkins’.
  • Likewise any references to “doomsday plants” or “vegetative apocalypse” are a harmless in-joke amongst the executive team that is difficult to explain out of context.
  • In the exchange from 13 September 2010 to 15 September 2010 between Dr Chu and Dr Alang beginning with the email subject “Sentient Corn Army Rebellion” both researchers were speaking metaphorically.
  • In the 14 July 2009 email where Mr Thompkins describes wanting to hunt down and kill every member of the clerical staff and “skin their corpses to make a leather tent for [his] children,” he was exaggerating for effect.

Please get in touch with me if you have any questions or concerns, please enjoy the upcoming holidays, and I’m sure we all wish Dr Alang a speedy recovery.

Yours,

Brad Avery, Operations